**I want to give you a fair warning that this is a long article.**
September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month.
As some of you might already know, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer last year.
I've had it for so many years without me knowing. There were no symptoms. I didn't feel any pain. I didn't even notice the lump that was growing inside my throat.
If I didn't get sick and worried about how it will affect my holiday vacation, I wouldn't have gone to see a nurse practitioner at a nearby walk-in clinic. I would have gone to a doctor, but it was Friday at 4pm.
I was happy that I was able to get someone at the walk-in clinic. I told the nurse practitioner that I have swollen tonsils and I feel that I may have either tonsillitis or strep throat. Either way, I need to take something that will make me better. Nurse practitioner did a quick test. She had to swab my tonsils and we waited for a bit. She said good news, you don't have strep throat and you won't need any antibiotics. You just have to wait this out. Then she said, "however, I'm somewhat concerned about the lump in your throat." She showed it to me. "Oh my, how could I not see that?" It was visible and prominent. But you would have to really look to see it. She advised me to see a doctor because it might be my thyroid gland. She's hoping it's just my lymph node because I'm sick. But she was very adamant for me to get it checked because where the lump was located it felt more like on my thyroid gland than a lymph node. I said, "sure." But not really worrying about it.
What I was really taking in from this trip to the walk-in clinic was, I don't have strep throat so I'm good.
Well, it didn't really pan out that way.
As I was getting ready to leave, the nurse practitioner asked me if I wanted to get my flu shot today. I've never had a flu shot before, not that I could remember. My parents have been very good at giving me all the vaccinations that they could find. But somehow, they weren't keen on getting me a flu shot. And, I usually don't get a flu. When I do get a flu, it doesn't seem to stay so long. My initial response was, "how much will that cost me?" while thinking maybe it's good to get a shot so I will not get sick in the next few weeks. She responded, "your insurance will cover it, so you won't need to pay anything on your end." "Is it ok that I take it since I'm a bit sick today?" "Yeah, you should be fine because it's not a live virus," she reassured me. "You will also get a 20% off coupon in the store," she followed. "Ok!" she really got me at coupon. (Coincidentally, I never got to use that 20% off coupon. It just expired and never got a chance to use it.)
She gave me the shot and I left.
I was talking to my husband telling him how I got a flu shot. He looked alarmed and said, "and she did this knowing you are sick?" "Yeah, she said it was fine." He shook his head. He knows how stubborn I am.
The next day Saturday, my swollen tonsils were still swollen. But, I wasn't worried because I knew I didn't have strep throat. At least, that's all I was thinking of. By Sunday, I started to feel like it's getting worse. I was coughing like crazy, completely uncontrollable. By Monday, I was worse than I was that past Friday. I was coughing non-stop.
As part of my day job, I work as a receptionist at the office. It's not good to be coughing non-stop being at the front desk. My co-workers had noticed how bad it was. So, before the day ended, they had asked me to go home.
I started to call for a doctor's appointment this time. I didn't see the need to go to a walk-in clinic now because I felt like it worsened my, then, current state. I was able to get an appointment with my co-worker's physician. I was able to see him within a few days.
The physician was a charming old man. I hope I'm not overestimating his age, but he looked to be in his early 70s. He looks very healthy for his age. He was very nice. Just like my husband, he also expressed his concern on why I was given the flu shot when I was already sick. My immune system was already down. So giving me a flu shot was definitely not a good thing. He didn't give me any medicine for it. He said I just need to keep myself hydrated and to just let the virus run its course. Well, that's not much of help, is it?, I thought.
I told him the other reason I came. I told him that nurse practitioner advised me to get my neck looked at. There's a lump in my throat that looks like it might be a thyroid nodules. But I'm hoping for him to tell me it's just the lymph node. They scanned my neck and advised me to do a blood test. They found 2 thyroid nodules / 2 lumps. (eventually we found out that some are lymph nodes too - read on)
A week later, I came back to see him for follow up. He told me that I will need to do a biopsy just to check and see if this thyroid nodules are benign or malignant. I told him, "sure, but can I do that in January because we are about to go see family for the holidays." He said, "that's fine."
As you can see, I wasn't in any way alarmed or concerned about this lump on my neck. Other than that I don't want it to grow big.
January came and my insurance provider have changed. The endocrinologist, whom my physician recommended was not found on the in-network list with my insurance. I had to find another endocrinologist.
It wasn't long that I was able to find a new endocrinologist. I had to go through a list since not everyone takes a new patient right away. Some of the endocrinologists I've called can see me months after. February was the earliest appointment I could get.
February came, I was able to meet my endocrinologist. I told her what happened. She told me that they can't do a biopsy right away without doing their own check-up. We did the whole scanning... then blood test. When the blood test came back, she told me that we can now do a biopsy.
When my endocrinologist scanned my neck, she found 2 thyroid nodules right next to each other and also a lymph node. The diameter of the more prominent thyroid nodules was about 3cm. That's more than an inch in diameter!
This was starting to get to me. I wanted them out of me. She said that wouldn't be advisable because to remove the nodules is to remove the whole thyroid gland. Apparently, we can't live without a thyroid gland. Technically... we can if we take these hormone pills to replace it. But you can't miss taking it. It has to be taken everyday for the rest of your life! So my endocrinologist thinks we should have that as a last resort. Once it gets too big! This was before my biopsy. This was before we found out that we really had to remove it.
My endocrinologist was still reassuring me that even with these thyroid nodules, it doesn't automatically mean it's malignant. She adds, "90% of the time, these are benign." I liked the sound of that, the odds seem to be good. I thought to myself.
She wanted to go ahead and do a biopsy. She said she was going to do the thyroid nodules first then the lymph node right next to it. This plan, however, changed on the day of the actual biopsy. She said it was better to do the lymph node first then the thyroid nodules. She continued, "If the lymph node is found to be malignant, then it follows that the thyroid nodules are too." "This will also mean that it has spread," she added. "But remember, 90% of the time it comes back benign," reassuring me again.
Truth to be told, I was still not taking this seriously. I was so focused on thinking that my chances are good. "90%" that's a 1 out of 10 chance that it would be malignant.
I got a call about a week and a half later. The doctor's office told me they need to come see me about the results. I started thinking, why can't they just tell me over the phone. Does it mean I have to pay another co-pay just to hear about the results?
Never has it popped in my head that I might be hearing some bad news.
Chris, my husband, has been coming with me in all of my doctor's appointment since the beginning. I guess after going to the walk-in clinic alone, I think he wanted to make sure he's there to stop me from volunteering to fllu shots or any other shots that might make me sick. LOL
So there we were, Chris was sitting with me in the reception area. I was still thinking positive. "90%," I said to him. We even took a selfie so that we can commemorate the day.
They called my name. They got my blood pressure, weighed me, and then escorted us to a room. This room was different from the other room that I've been to. I've never been inside this room before. I've always seen my endocrinologist in a different room. This room was small. I wouldn't call it cozy. It felt cold. There were no windows around. No paintings on the walls. Just 4 corners and 4 gray walls. Inside this suffocating room, was 2 chairs close to where the small sink is, the other corner has a round small rolling chair meant for the doctor, then the patient's chair that reclines as a patient's bed. "Is this the bad news room?" I turned to Chris trying to be sarcastic but also trying to be funny. We laughed a bit. Now, I was beginning to worry. "90%" Oh God, she said 90% chance it would be benign.
This wasn't the first time I called out to God. From the moment, I heard the word biopsy. I have been praying. Maybe that's the reason why I have been so firm in believing that I'm part of that 90%.
A knock on the door. My endocrinologist came in. She smiled. I said, "Hi Doc!" She smiled and started to talk. She said, "well... the results came in. I wanted to you to come in so that I can tell you in person rather than being on the phone." I knew it, she wanted to tell me that everything's good and just wanted to deliver the good news in person, is what I had hoped.
I was trying to digest what she was telling me. Chris was intently listening too. I was trying to listen and understand everything she was telling me. But it felt like there was a dark cloud muffling the sound. My heart was racing and my mind is just going through a hundred miles per hour.
"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I just want to understand this. Do you mean to say, that without a shadow of a doubt... that for sure, I have cancer?"
"Yes. With no shadow of doubt, a hundred percent, you have Thyroid Cancer." "With the size of the nodules and how it started to spread to your lymph nodes, you've had this cancer for a very long time."
"How long? 2 years? 3 years?"
"Probably much longer..." She responded.
"5 years? 6 years?"
"It's hard to estimate because we don't know how fast or slow it was growing. But with thyroid cancer, it's usually a very slow growing cancer. And for you to have it this big, it's been there for a very long time," She further added.
I wanted to burst crying. I wanted to scream. But on my right side, I see Chris. I looked at Chris. He looked more worried than I was. I reached out to him. He was also getting teary eyed. I held his hand and got the strength to say, "it's ok." "We're ok."
It was really hard for me to do that. But I couldn't let him see that. I didn't want him to worry and to feel so bad for me. I didn't want him to break down as well.
We were able to talk to my doctor and discussed what we can do. She is very reassuring again, "this is a curable cancer." Even though she was saying that, I wasn't buying it this time. In my head all I could think about was 90%.
I was able to say, "But you said there was a 90% chance that it would be benign. Are you telling me that I'm part of the 10%? That I'm that 1 out of the 10 people that could have it?" "Unfortunately... yes," she apologetically responded.
We left the office and walked to the car. Still shocked, inside the car, I asked, "did she really tell me I have cancer?" Chris looked at me with a sad look on his face, "yes, she did." He gave me a hug. I cried. And then I tried to come back to my senses. I told him. I need to call my mom. I need to tell her right away.
My mom picked up. It was a video call. I told her I had some news. But I told her I will only tell her if she wakes my brother up and I could tell them both the news. My mom looked confused. I told her to just trust me and that she would want my brother to be up for this news. My brother wasn't too happy. "What's going on? I have work tomorrow. I'm trying to sleep," as my brother waking up. Before he could resist and throw a fit for being woken up he, "listen, I need to tell you and mom some news. You need to be up for this for mom." By this time, my mom looked worried. She now realizes that the news was really meant for her. My brother was just an assurance that she will be ok after the call. I told them very quickly. Reassuring them that it's curable. They were shocked. I would have been too. My mom was sad. She looked like she was helpless. Unable to do anything to help her only daughter. I think she would have offered to donate her thyroid gland if that would have helped me. I told them that I know it's late where they are and that I will let them go. I told them that I will keep them updated and that there is nothing to worry about. Once again, I had to be strong keeping my fears and own sadness at bay. I will deal with my own feelings later. Chris also reassured my mom that he will take care of me. My mom thanked him and seemed to feel a bit relieved.
That was the first call. We just survived the first call.
Our second call was to Chris's mom, my mother-in-law.
That call was also an emotional one.
I also sent a group message to my work family. They were also anxious to know the result. I wanted them to know about it right away. I felt that it would be easier on my part to tell them over text than in person.
Same day, I also told my close friends that I've been diagnosed with Thyroid cancer. At that time, I only wanted certain people to know. The people whom I cared enough that I would want to know if they were going through something like this.
In the weeks and months prior to finding out I have Thyroid Cancer, I was really annoyed at that nurse practitioner, who had gotten me sicker than I should have been. I thought it was a bit irresponsible of her to give me a flu shot when I was clearly sick. Then I realized, if it hadn't happen, I would have never found myself at a physician's office the following week. And in turn, I would have never seen an endocrinologist and then find out about my cancer. In fact, if I had just gone home and gotten better, I would have never found out about my cancer until it was really too late.
My doctor, and also the surgeon who operated on me, both advised me that I would have been diagnosed with stage 4 Thyroid Cancer because of how extensive my condition was. The only reason why they didn't put me as stage 4, was because I was not yet 40 years old. It dawned on me, how I got lucky for being very ill that week. It forced me to see a doctor. Even though it was for an unrelated illness, it brought me to a place that I needed to be.
I wondered and looked at how my body had deceived me. My body didn't let me know that I was sick. That in a way, I was slowly getting killed by my own overactive cells. I kept thinking and trying to remember if there was in any way I could have known. And the answer was no.
As most people would think that cancer is caused by unhealthy lifestyles. You would be surprised that it's not. There are many other factors aside from environmental factors that they take into consideration.
Although I did not live a completely healthy lifestyle, it appears I was already genetically pre-disposed to getting thyroid issues and/or cancer. Finding that out, it felt like my own genes had betrayed me. I chuckled, of course it's my genes. I sneered, thinking about the other skin conditions that I have and all my dermatologist could say to me was, "some genes are just more prone to it... it's genetic." Of course it's my genes, what else could it there be. I repeated in my mind.
It came up in a conversation with my mom. "What did they think that caused this?", my mom asked. "They said it's genetics," I replied. Shortly after I followed it with a joke, "so who did it? which side of the family gave me this?" "Your dad's side," my mom quickly bounced back.
My life changed that day. The day that I got diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. It felt like someone had taken away something from me. While at the same time, I also felt like I was given a gift, a second chance that I didn't know I had to have.
I'm now using part of that second chance to spread awareness to Thyroid Cancer.
Thank you for reading. Don't forget to check your neck! *wink*
a ThyCa Warrior,
Ainee
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